No one on the corner got swagga like us

Okay, so my friends and I were dishing about dating and we fused about how there really weren't any dating guides (or they aren't popular) for men. Women have a new tv show, book, site every month about dating. Sure men have books and shows about how to be players or be less of a tool but that's not the same as your average guy book about meeting Ms. Right. Is it because guys are too cocky to believe that they would have some flaws in dating? Why is it that women have to change or accept but it seems men don't?

However, my girls and I thought if were ever actually asked by a guy for some dating advice it would be for a guy to get some swag! A guy with swag can turn his dating value up several notches. Some guys, who've I told this to, seem to believe that it means women only want a bad boy. But there is a difference between a bad boy and a good guy with some self confidence and charm.

I liken the need for swagger in a guy to that of a woman looking her best. You need something to intrigue the opposite sex. If a woman went out to the bar with a muu-muu, a head scarf and bushy eyebrows no one is checking her. To me that's equivalent to a guy with no swagger. A guy has to be able to pull in a woman with a charming personality to get her attention. If he's just sitting there blending in the backdrop with a goofy smile he more than likely won't get a second look.

He doesn't need to be a player or give out any game. He can be a nice, sweet guy but he has to have some bravado, that thing that can make a girl think "okay, this guy is fun" or "this guy has my back, can protect me" or "this guy is interesting I want to know more". He has to have something in addition to being able to open the door for you and paying for your dinner.
That's just my two cents.

The Blame Game

I actually posted this on Tuesday but did a double post so not sure anyone saw it (and I'm lazy and don't have anything new to post just this minute)..

So I just watched my new favorite reality show Tough Love on VHI (Sundays at 10pm) and was particularly involved with the story line of the 39 year old single successful and beautiful woman. She had connected quite well with a man that the match maker set her up with. They’d been going on a few dates until he asked the dreaded question all women hate to hear “Why are you still single?”.

When you are young this question is just random conversation in the dating world. “You’re so pretty, you’re successful, I’m surprised some guy hasn’t snatched you up yet.” At 24, you laugh and smile. At 30, you sigh and say “I just haven’t met the right one” instead of what you really want to say “I’m surrounded by losers, the pickings is slim”. At close to 40 you probably, as this woman didn’t, don’t want to talk about it. It’s most likely an especially sore subject by then and one of much frustration. And the guy wouldn’t let it go, instead he says “why haven’t you done match, why havent’ you put yourself out there?” As if he knew how she handled herself or that she would automatically meet someone by doing an online dating site.
As we age, the longer we are single the more society views us as having something wrong with us. No matter what Sex and the City tried to do for the single 30 something (and although I’m not there yet, I wouldn’t be surprised if I was) the stigma still remains. As the matchmaker told her, it’s almost as if we prefer a woman in her thirties, especially a pretty one with a good personality, to be divorced over never being married. It gives us some sense of understanding of the situation otherwise how could such a woman be single for so long?

This woman dealt with it very calmly around him but when she came back to the shows mansion she kirked out and her fellow single gals had to calm her down. At 39 I’d imagine that having some guy give you the third degree trying to find out what’s wrong with you because you’re single is quite frustrating.I particularly related to her story because I get that all the time and dispise that question with all my might. Guys don’t understand why I’m single and I feel like I have to defend myself when asked. To assure them that nothing is wrong with me because you usually get the next question is: when was your last long term relationship? If the relationship was long ago they make the determination (yes I’ve been asked) that I must not like being in long term relationships. Why else would I choose to be single? It’s not that I want to be single it’s that I don’t want to be in an unfullling relationship. Why date for the sake of dating? And who feels like, every time they date, going into the long spiel about how they just haven’t found the right one, the past guys were jerks, the area doesn’t have a lot of eligible men and so forth.

Dating becomes less about a fun time to hopefully lead to a relationship and becomes more of an intense interview for a competitive job. So yeah, she kirked out and I get it!

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

The Blame Game

So I just watched my new favorite reality show Tough Love on VHI (Sundays at 10pm) and was particularly involved with the story line of the 39 year old single successful and beautiful woman. She had connected quite well with a man that the match maker set her up with. They’d been going on a few dates until he asked the dreaded question all women hate to hear “Why are you still single?”.

When you are young this question is just random conversation in the dating world. “You’re so pretty, you’re successful, I’m surprised some guy hasn’t snatched you up yet.” At 24, you laugh and smile. At 30, you sigh and say “I just haven’t met the right one” instead of what you really want to say “I’m surrounded by losers, the pickings is slim”. At close to 40 you probably, as this woman didn’t, don’t want to talk about it. It’s most likely an especially sore subject by then and one of much frustration. And the guy wouldn’t let it go, instead he says “why haven’t you done match, why havent’ you put yourself out there?” As if he knew how she handled herself or that she would automatically meet someone by doing an online dating site.

As we age, the longer we are single the more society views us as having something wrong with us. No matter what Sex and the City tried to do for the single 30 something (and although I’m not there yet, I wouldn’t be surprised if I was) the stigma still remains. As the matchmaker told her, it’s almost as if we prefer a woman in her thirties, especially a pretty one with a good personality, to be divorced over never being married. It gives us some sense of understanding of the situation otherwise how could such a woman be single for so long?

This woman dealt with it very calmly around him but when she came back to the shows mansion she kirked out and her fellow single gals had to calm her down. At 39 I’d imagine that having some guy give you the third degree trying to find out what’s wrong with you because you’re single is quite frustrating.
I particularly related to her story because I get that all the time and dispise that question with all my might. Guys don’t understand why I’m single and I feel like I have to defend myself when asked. To assure them that nothing is wrong with me because you usually get the next question is: when was your last long term relationship? If the relationship was long ago they make the determination (yes I’ve been asked) that I must not like being in long term relationships. Why else would I choose to be single? It’s not that I want to be single it’s that I don’t want to be in an unfullling relationship. Why date for the sake of dating? And who feels like, every time they date, going into the long spiel about how they just haven’t found the right one, the past guys were jerks, the area doesn’t have a lot of eligible men and so forth.

Dating becomes less about a fun time to hopefully lead to a relationship and becomes more of an intense interview for a competitive job. So yeah, she kirked out and I get it!

VH1 TV Shows Music Videos Celebrity Photos News & Gossip

Random Things

Sorry I've been M.I.A. I've been getting back into my fictional writing trying to get it published worthy.

Get me for my paper

If the US Post Office stops delivering mail on Saturdays they could save 3 billion dollars a year. I’m all for saving money especially on that scale. I don’t think I’d be too broken hearted if I had to wait till Monday. Now if we could get them to stop delivering junk mail and unsolicited mail that would be wonderful- wonder how much money that would save.

The Popos put you on blast

In some state (forgot where) prostitution is a big problem so the police are considering sending letters home to the wives of men who are caught with a prostitution. Now obviously this is controversial. Some men feel that is an invasion of privacy but women would want to know if for nothing else, health concerns. Here’s how I see it. Should a man be hiding from his wife that he is going to court on a solicitation of prostitution charge? How can you hide that from your wife anyway? And you’re a jerk if you try to hide it. Now some men feel this is a whole guilty until proven innocent (I mean they could have simply been giving a poor prostitute a ride home and nothing more). Well fine, explain that to the wife and leave it to her to believe you or not. I’m sorry, but I’d like to know if my husband has been arrested. I’m not for keeping secrets in a marriage especially ones of those caliber. And seeing that technically adultery is still illegal (although no one brings it to court anymore) that’s not necessarily the husbands right to keep it quiet. If he was arrested for murder or some other heinous crime that wouldn’t be kept quiet so why should this? I’m just saying…

Too Bootilious for you baby

So a friend stated that bigger (and in his mind big is size 6/8 and up) black women could not attract really good looking white men because they (white men) don’t like that size. Now seeing as most black women are that size and up he basically states that most white men who are attractive wouldn’t like black women. I told him he was wrong and gave examples, he didn’t believe me and wanted to challenge me saying that those men only wanted to sleep with black women but weren’t interested in seriously dating them or marrying them. I stopped arguing, feeling the whole thing was not only offensive but futile and labeled him an ass.S ince I had given up being annoyed at people for lent lets just say I fell off the wagon. Some people deserve to be beat in the head severely with a verbal assult.

Interracial Dating and Black women and White men: Drama or No Big Thing?

Posted about this before but have more to say.

It's 2009 and we are seeing more and more interracial couples. Heck, a good number of my family and friends are in interracial couplings (black female/white male mix). I've never cared about such things (I fancy myself and Equal Opportunity Dater). Although there are way more black men/ white women couplings, I am beginning to have a sneaking suspicion that this will change. I am seeing more and more black women with white men.

Why? As I stated in my previous post, I do believe that money and education differences between black women and men play a large factor. However, despite the stereotypes, I find many educated black women are willing to date black men not on their pay or education scale. I have most of my life, with no problems as long as there wasn't a drastic difference. However, even that willingness doesn't help the fact that there are still so few eligible black men who also want to get married.

So then what?A lot of black women are starting to explore "something new". And for most it seems to be working. But what about society's view? My thought would be that black men would not care if more black women started dating white men because so many black men date white women? All's fair right?

Not so, I still am surprised by the amount of disapproving looks, comments and behaviors I get from black men for dating a white guy (I haven't noticed anything, yet, from other groups). I can't lump people all together. I know that those disapprovers aren't necessarily dating white women themselves but still, they know the deal. For every black woman/white male couple there are at least 5 black man/white woman couples.

And with the percentage of unwed black women being around 40% (dramatically higher than all other racial groups) can you blame a woman for saying, "the hell with this, let me see what else is out there"?. Black women, largely raise kids out of wedlock, in fact, I venture to say it's the norm (I believe well over 60% of black children are raised in single parent homes, not the same for other races). No one aspires to be a single mother and just because black women have dealt with it and found the strength to do so, doesn't mean that should be our lot in life.

We've come to accept seeing black men with white women but is this so for the other way around. Is the black woman/ white man still a rare line that few are willing to cross? There is history there after all. Black women being seen and used as sexual objects during slavery, it is still a present wonder. I have a friend who when she dates a white guy always wonders in the beginning if he is dating her for her or for the "experience of dating a black woman". Then there is the shared historic experience of being black (culturally, and socially) that a white man wouldn't know automatically (a small inconvenience that he wouldn't understand why I wrap my hair at night with a silk scarf but still something to note). And then family. I just watched This Christmas in which one of the sons secretly married a white woman and was afraid to tell his family. Sometimes I wonder if nowadays black people have an ever harder time bringing a white person home to their families than white people. Especially black men who know mama might be, let's say, taken a back. And I'm sure that isn't who Dad had thought he'd be walking you down the aile to when you got married.

I don't know, as much as I would like to, I'm not ready to believe that interracial dating is a union to go lightly into. I always bring up race and have frank discussions about it when I'm dating a man outside of my race. I'm a firm believer in the couple discussing race with no hold backs instead of ignoring it. Being color blind makes us blind to the real issues. I want the other to know our differences and decide on whether we can accept them even if others can't.

I'm Not Afraid of Lions and Tigers and Bears

Loving the new Jazmine Sullivan single and it kind of broke me out of my bloggers block to write this post.

So I’ve been on a couple of dates with this guy and things are going well. Very well and naturally this draws my suspicion. See being the dating connoisseur that I am (*she says with thick sarcasm laced in her voice*) I believe that it is important to learn from ones past mistakes or else be doomed to repeat them. However, while it is important not to walk into anything full of naivete you also don’t want to have your guard up so high it scares the other person off.

So take this example. A guy brings you flowers just because. You’re still newly dating. There is no holiday or birthday. A naive girl, who does not take note of past experience or other’s warnings, may think “Oh this guy is great. I never got flowers from a guy for no reason before. He must really like me and only mean well. Perhaps he’s the one!.” A pessimistic fully guarded girl might think. “What’s his angle? Does he think he can buy me some flowers and I’m supposed to fall over him into bed?” . Somewhere in the middle might be, “Oh, how nice, that was thoughtful of him. The end.”

I, the ever indecisive and admittedly slightly gullible at times Libra, have a hard time balancing this. I’ve been through so many negative dating experiences that I seem jaded. Obviously that is not a good thing and I am constantly on guard about it. I try my best, on the outside to go with the flow. Yet with friends and in my inner thoughts, I combat the pessimism. Therefore, when I go out on dates and things go well, I can’t help but be guarded and wait for the ball to drop.

Friends say enjoy it while it last but dating is like being on American Idol with me. You’re doing well, make it through a couple weeks and then you get voted off and all the fame/commercials/make up and hair go away as quickly as it came. Dating can be the same way. You meet someone, things are great and then something happens or they meet someone else and everything goes away. Any plans you thought you would have disappear. And like the American Idol contestants, they know that their shot could go in a blink of an eye without any reason and they are kicked back into obscurity. This of course slightly darkens their time on the show because there is always that constant nudge of worry that this week could be the last week.

I’ve come to view dating this way. Especially when things are going well. I know that this is not a great way to think because it will come out in the dating “relationship” in some negative way. For instance, you invite said interest somewhere and they say they can’t go. The “American Idol” thinker might think “oh he has another date with someone else/is really married/doesn’t really like me or want to keep seeing me, therefore I need to pull away and protect myself.”

Friends say “throw your baggage out the window, girl.” But I can’t help but say, “Can I at least keep my purse?”

Sigh.

Deal Breakers

Yes, yet another post on dating. Now that the election is over I can go back to the more important things in life (kidding!).

In dating and relationships what are some things, superficial or deeper, that you cannot deal with at all?

Here are a few on my list:

Deeper

Unemployed guy -I don’t want to be anyone’s suga mama
Guy with no car -we are not in New York and I don’t like being a chauffer all the time
Guy with baby mama drama -I prefer a guy with no kids but I am absolutely out if he can’t seem to develop an appropriate relationship with the mother of his child or doesn’t pay child support
Guy who can’t speak proper English -he must have at least graduated high school and can carry an educated conversation without sounding like Damon Wayne’s convict character from In Living Color
No ex or current convicts- Unless you were a political prisoner (and even then) this is a no go
No drug addicts/alcoholics- this is very bad drama here
Must not be married -should go without saying but goes to even those who are separated unless it’s been almost a year which is the time you have to wait to get a no fault divorce, anything sooner is just well, too soon
Effeminate men- If we see a bug in the corner of the room and your scream is louder than mine we have a problem.
Socially uncouth- Sorry can’t continue to date a guy who picks his nose in front of me or belches or farts without excusing himself. Can’t be messy or gross.

Superficial

Obese guys -a few extra pounds aren’t too bad and can easily be shed but a man who has boobs larger than mine or can’t go on a hike with me because he loses breath too quickly is a no go
A guy who can’t see straight -I’m sorry I just can’ date a cock eyed guy, throws me off
Bad kisser- I’m actually mixed on this one. If a guy sets his ego aside and you say it gently enough you can kind of help him out, hopefully, otherwise it’s a no go
Guys who are too old or two young- age ain’t nothing but a number but there is a limit. I can’t date someone old enough to be my dad (vomits in mouth a little) or young enough to be a cast member in High School Musical nor am I into the whole cougar thing (although I’m a long way from that yet)
Smelly guys- gotta be able to breathe when I’m around you, no compromise on that
Bad teeth- I’m talking horrendous here, you don’t need a perfect set of pearly whites but no missing front teeth, no grills, no mangled-been -eating -rocks teeth
Short men- now I’m short so my definition is a little more open. The man simply cannot be shorter than or as tall as me in flats.

Tolerable things that you can change later on (that isn’t under the whole you can’t change a man theory)

Bad dresser -buy him only clothes for his birthday and Christmas, he won’t complain if he looks good in them or just go shopping with him
Balding -encourage him to shave it all off but as he gets older (say over 45) this just comes with the territory, dating a 20/early 30 something with George Jefferson hair is not cute.
Hairy -unless he looks like one of those Gieco guys this isn’t really a deal breaker, at the most encourage him to shave

What’s on your list?

The Dating Game: Perfection vs. Flaws

It's been a while since I did a post on dating but I had some random thoughts. I've written about the whole chemistry vs. practicality bit and have come to a realization through all my dating trials and tribulations that I prefer good conversation and not necessarily any overwhelming chemistry on the first couple or few dates. Chemistry is important but sometimes it can be deceptive and throw you off track. I'm not saying if you don't feel the slightest bit of attraction to someone wait it out. If the person visually doses nothing for you, you aren't going to want to continue dating them, it'll seem more like work than fun. And chemistry exisit for a reason.

Call me jaded, but I just don't like the idea of getting swept up in chemistry. The idea, for me, is to really get a chance to see the person and gain a solid connection. Stay clear headed enough to not fall for the "hype" and, instead, see the real. Again, this is ideal but not always the case.

I have had several coworkers and friends warn me about men that are full of the "hype" aka do every thing perfectly. They say if you meet a guy who you have little complaints about and who knows how to romance you above and beyond the norm then something is wrong. Now initially it would seem like such a pessimistic view to assume that if everything is right something, therefore, must be wrong. But they had a certain logic to their views (and these are all women who are older and married who said this). The thought is that a "perfect man" is actually a player. He knows women, knows their wants and knows how to give it to them. They study women. They gave me several real life examples. The worst being a woman who bragged about how wonderful her husband was, how they never argued and how he always did great things for her. She later found out he had a whole seperate family somewhere else. Another example, was the woman who had a boyfriend of three years who did and said all the right things, said he wanted to marry her, took her house hunting. She found out he had a woman in several states.

The point they were making is that a "good/faithful" man is one who comes with a few flaws. He may not know all the ways to make a woman happy and that you'll have to school him- ever so lovingly of course. They weren't stating that you change him. He'll be who he'll be. Rather the change will be in how he treats you. For instance, one coworker stated that she mentioned to her husband that she loves flowers. Speaking in generalities, the player would know this instantly and show up with flowers on a date. The average good guy might need that message gently repeated several times before he follows through. It took him a very long time but her husband eventually got it.

I said to her, this seems like work. She replied, yes it is but the outcome is worth it. It's a practice in tolerance and patience.

Her advise echoed a bit of the adivse from the author of the book Why Men Cheat, Gary Neuman who also appeared on Oprah. Neuman stated that men, in general, like to feel appriciated and want to feel useful and be praised. When they don't get that, they sometimes cheat. Some women felt that this seemed like a lot of work. To praise a man for taking out the trash? Women don't expect such praise. The Neuman admitted that it wasn't fair but he, like my coworker, simply acknowleged that although men may be physically stronger than women in many ways they can be emotionally more sensitive. I'll preserve my opinions on that but I will say the logic seems sound.

Therefore, per my coworkers logic, if you let a guy know how what he does can help you for the better, rather than nagging or not saying anything, he will be more inclined to do it. He will feel like he is appriciated and helpful and you get what you want. It's a simple give and take really. Not so simple is that you have to constantly work at it. My coworker, inisist that you cannot expect a man to be something or do something, watch out for those she says. If you want to be romanced, tell him what you like. If you don't carry the expectations you won't be let down and you won't pass over a good guy who doesn't mind learning about what you like.

Sound advice but it's so hard for women to hear when we've been raised on fairy tales where men just know what to do.

Love and the City

I am not in love with the city I live in. Provided I had the money I’d move to New York, Boston or LA, provided I loved the winter I’d move to Chicago, provided I looked like a model I’d move to Miami, provided I could stand those hair destroying rainy days I’d move to Seattle, provided I found a worthwhile job there I’d move to Philadelphia, provided it was diverse enough I’d move to Denver.

Needless to say I’m ready to go! But why you might ask?

I’m bored.

You’ve heard my rant in the Now What blog but more to the point I’ve reached a level with the city I live in where I am not curious by it. Nothing new. Sure a few new spots open up but it’s the same thing with a different name. Same people there. Same flavor. I’ve done all the museums, been to different clubs/bars/lounges, done sports, dance classes, 5ks, volunteered, checked out many a restaurant, shopped in the boutiques, been to spoken word, plays, checked out every type of festival in town, did outdoor movies and concerts, hosted parties/been to parties, been to wine tasting/ food tasting, themed events. I went to school, college and law school here.
In addition, darn near 80% of my friends are married so our interests are now limited.
I feel like Bill Murray in Ground hog Day at times.

But

Would I feel this way if I was in a relationship? At the very least does a relationship effect the way you see your life and its surroundings. I’m thinking yes. You can tolerate a lot more if there is someone you love refocusing the attention. I’ve seen people determined to leave their city suddenly shift when finding true love.

This is the stuff of movies, as my sister reminded me (for proof see In the Land of Women, Under the Tuscan Sun, The Holiday). People can move for a “change of heart”.
Your relationships with others effects your daily life no doubt.

In Sex and the City they never grew bored of the city because they had each other and active dating lives, not to mention it was in NY people, which is ever exciting. But in the final season when all her friends were in relationships, Carrie decided to pack up and leave with her beau to Paris, telling her friend Miranda that she needed to move on as her friends were doing.
I understand my feelings about this city and I’m not so sure that if I were in a committed relationship my feelings would change, I would simply just tolerate it. Or does a relationship equal change and ,therefore, things you took for granted in the city or experienced as a single person take on a whole new look when you are part of a couple?

I guess, ultimately, when you make a move, know that you are doing it for the right reasons (a new job, better environment) and not to find love or escape it. That wouldn’t bring true satisfaction nor would it provide a guaranteed resolution to your love problems. For me, I want to leave for a new experience (provided I have a job there of course). I’m a writer and for me new environments and experiences feed my creativity so it’s time to find a new city to fall in love with…wish me luck!

Pictures from www.ba-reps.com/artist/oakley/portfolio/2496

Why Beautiful Women Marry Less Attractive Men

Ahh the age old question. You see a drop dead gorgeous gal with a mediocre looking guy and you wonder (woman and man) “how did that happen?” There are of course the easy stereotypical reasonings- oh he has money, perhaps she is a high class call girl? But people, maybe for women looks just aren’t everything. Okay, forget the maybes, women definitely aren’t sold on looks alone. But there may be a strategy to that as well. Here’s an article I spotted on my favorite source- Yahoo News, about it. I just cut and pasted the most interesting parts but you can read the full article here http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20080410/sc_livescience/whybeautifulwomenmarrylessattractivemenews.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20080410/sc_livescience/whybeautifulwomenmarrylessattractivemen
Jeanna BrynerLiveScience Staff WriterLiveScience.com Thu Apr 10, 11:25 AM ET
Women seeking a lifelong mate might do well to choose the guy a notch below them in the looks category. New research reveals couples in which the wife is better looking than her husband are more positive and supportive than other match-ups.
The reason, researchers suspect, is that men place great value on beauty, whereas women are more interested in having a supportive husband….
The new study, published in the February issue of the Journal of Family Psychology, reveals looks continue to matter beyond that initial attraction, though in a different way.
Supportive spouses
McNulty's team assessed 82 couples who had married within the previous six months and had been together for nearly three years prior to tying the knot. Participants were on average in their early to mid-20s.
Researchers videotaped as each spouse discussed with their partner a personal problem for 10 minutes. The tapes were analyzed for whether partners were supportive of spouses' issues, which included goals to eat healthier, to land a new job and to exercise more often….
A group of trained "coders" rated the facial attractiveness of each spouse on a scale from 1 to 10, with the perfect 10 representing the ultimate babe. About a third of the couples had a more attractive wife, a third a more attractive husband and the remaining partners showed matching looks.
Trophy wives
Overall, wives and husbands behaved more positively when the woman was better looking
The finding "seems very reasonable," said Dan Ariely, a professor of behavioral economics at MIT's Program in Media Arts and Sciences and Sloan School of Management. "Men are very sensitive to women's attractiveness. Women seem to be sensitive to men's height and salary," said Ariely, who was not involved in the recent study.
In couples with more attractive husbands, both partners were less supportive of one another. McNulty suggests wives mirror, in some ways, the level of support they get from husbands.
"The husband who's less physically attractive than his wife is getting something more than maybe he can expect to get," McNulty told LiveScience. "He's getting something better than he's providing at that level. So he's going to work hard to maintain that relationship."
Men who are more attractive than their partners would theoretically have access to partners who are more attractive than their current spouses, McNulty said. The "grass could be greener" mentality could make these men less satisfied and less committed to maintain the marriage….

I found this article to be sad but true. We women may desire our Brad Pitt/ Terrance Howard look-alike but who wants the upkeep and constant worry that they'll find somebody hotter? I just don’t feel women get that “grass is greener” mentality. And the thought of “I can do better” when it comes to looks might appear early on in the relationship but it surely doesn’t stay. Because we ultimately know that a good looking bum won’t get us anywhere! But an “average” (because aren't looks in the eye of the beholder?) guy who is supportive is the best thing in the world!

Are We Meant to DAte? (AKA- Is Dating Natural?)

My sister brought this thought up and I told her I would steal it for my blog so...

Okay, so you’ve got your dating books, dating experts, matchmakers, dating websites, dating events (i.e. speed dating) and the ever popular dating reality TV shows. All that to say: We need help to date.
So if we need sooo much help in the dating world, are we really fighting against what the “natural” way should be- your old school match making or arranged marriages? Do your parents or the wise older lady around the corner know what’s best for you? They sure seemed to in the days of Jane Austin (and obviously way before) and in certain customs this is just the way of life. In reality if humans have been living for thousands of years, then, in the span of things, dating is a relatively new area of life.

There isn’t, as far as I know and the people I know who are much more familiar with it, much of any mention of dating in the bible. No advice on what you should and shouldn’t do. No Commandments to break. Yes, I know, we didn’t have cars back in the day either but it doesn’t mean we weren’t meant to drive them but still you can’t help but think there’s something in this whole “dramas of dating” that keeps us perplexed at the whole situation.

Not to say that match making and arranged marriages don’t have their problems but I’m reluctant to say that independent dating has resulted in such great outcomes (what with the divorce rate so high). I’m simply wondering if the need for so much assistance in dating and the drama that comes with the dating territory is a result of our unsuccessful attempts at a process that we really don’t have any business being in.

Yes, we have free will and aren’t some primitive animal that simply finds a mate whose scent we like (at least I hope not) but a little old school help might have been a better method in terms of finding a suitable mate for marriage. You’re looking for good husband/wife material but a match maker may actually know what that entails precisely. We get caught up in physical chemistry but the match maker knows that won’t sustain us. And if two parties are willing to be hooked up by a match maker that’s already saying (hopefully) that those parties are serious at finding a sustaining relationship. The match maker knows both parties and what would be needed, so you’re coming to the table with the idea that if the match maker saw something in the other you should give this guy/girl a deeper look yourself.

Dating is simply cutting out the middle man (the match maker) but that middle man was important and on our own are we just lost in a dating storm? It seems, maybe, yes. But then again, I need a little middle ground here. I don’t care how fabulous the guy is, if you’re trying to match me up with Flava Flav (yes he seems to be my punching bag) then I’m not budging AT ALL!

I don’t know, it just seems lately that a lot of people are getting tired of the whole dating game and willing to let someone else (even if just a dating site) do their “dirty work” for a while. So it seems, in the fight between dating vs. match making, dating is taking one too many hits down for many of us.

The Look of Love...

Okaay- check this article out from Yahoo News I read yesterday. For those pressed with time, I highlighted main sections in red.

By Avril Ormsby
LONDON, April 9 (Reuters Life!) - Members of the opposite sex can spot whether someone is after a one-night stand or something more permanent just by looking at their face, scientists said on Wednesday.
On men, a square jaw, large nose and small eyes are more likely to betray the look of lust than of love.
Women found men with softer features more likely to opt for commitment.
But the Durham University-led research found that while men can judge whether a woman is footloose-and-fancy-free or not, there is no common facial detail to explain it.
About 700 heterosexual people took part in the survey carried out by Durham, St. Andrews and Aberdeen universities.
In one study, 72 percent of the 153 participants correctly identified the sexual attitudes of a group of men and women in their 20s after being shown photographs or facial images.
Published in the journal "Evolution and Human Behaviour," the research also showed that women who were open to short-term sexual relationships were usually seen as more attractive.
They tended to have wide eyes and large lips, such as the actress Angelina Jolie.
Women were usually interested in men who appeared to be more likely to want a long-term relationship.
The research tended to confirm earlier findings which found that women see masculine men as more likely to be unfaithful and worse at parenting.
The men and women also tended to opt for complete opposites.
Dr Lynda Boothroyd, from Durham University's Psychology Department, said: "This shows that these initial impressions may be part of how we assess potential mates -- or potential rivals -- when we first meet them.
"These will then give way over time to more in-depth knowledge of that person as you get to know them better, and may change with age."
Dr Ben Jones, from the University of Aberdeen's Face Research Lab, said: "Lots of previous studies have shown that people can judge a lot about a person from their face, including things like health and even some personality traits like introversion, but this really is the first study to show that people are also sensitive to subtle facial signals about the type of romantic relationships that others might enjoy."



Alright now, so some of this could make sense. If a guy looks tough and prison buff women are less likely to look at him like husband material. And if the woman looks like a live version of Jessica Rabbit I guess I could understand a guy thinking she’s no modest mary. But still, talk about judging a book by its cover! So if you’re lucky enough to look like Angelina Jolie watch out for guys thinking you’re going to be up for a one night stand. Dispelling any thoughts that pretty girls don’t have it tough in the dating scene.

And in the alternative the study suggest guys with “softer features” are more the commitment type. Soo, what are male soft features? So if you look like say, Orlando Bloom, you are marriage material? Pretty boys come to mind but then they get the rap of being players.


And if you look like the Rock or Vin Disel are you S.O.L. with many women wanting you as more than a sexual partner? Seems doubtful.


This study is disturbing to me and can open up so many stereotypical doors. The crazy part is that many of the viewers guessed right about the sexual willingness of the people. But it seems wrong to suggest that the way one looks predetermines such matters. What’s next? Race?

Sex in the City: Can you relate?

Sex in the City is one of my all time favorite shows in the whole entire world! I am a die hard fan and am seriously trying to win tickets to the NY premier of the movie in May. The show really just resonated with me, which is odd because I really don’t like too many shows that aren’t diverse, yet I was all over this one. (As well as the Golden Girls, which to me was the original, albeit geriatric version, of 4 single women living life)

Perhaps it was due to the characters being so relatable. Not necessarily their lives (I’m no rich white woman in my mid thirties) but their experiences and emotions. I got where they were. And I think many women did. We got Charlotte’s frustration when she’d been dating for so long and didn’t get why she hadn’t found the one yet. Or to some respects Carrie’s addiction to shoes. Although I never quite said “Hello lover” to Manolos in the store window (more like Hell No when I saw the price). I have given a fond pat to my Bandolinos in my closet. And we’ve all met a Mr. Big type or the guy who got to us like he did Carrie. And maybe we weren’t broken up with on a post it note but we might have encountered the guy who “disappeared” or as I like to say “died”.

Okay, yes, the characters could be a bit exaggerated in their behaviors but at the base we could all identify with at least one of them. They all believed in love in their own ways.

Charlotte, willing to go the distance to reach love and her vision of what it should be.



Miranda and her walls and reluctance to rely on a guy but eventual submission to the idea of love.






Samantha and her “date like a guy” mentality but who, underneath it all, respected the idea of love for herself.



And Carrie, following unconventional paths in love but fiercely passionate, giving of herself and not afraid of her vulnerability.

I often wondered who I was most like. Ideally Carrie, simply because she was the lead of course. But a few reality checks later and suggestions from friends I came to realize, a bit to my horror, that I was Charlotte with a dash of Miranda. And while I have not taken to finding “Mr. Right” as a part time job, resume and all, and don’t think I can change religions for a guy, I do recognize the similarities. I want the fairy tale, but like Miranda, don’t believe the hype. Hard way to be I know but I think it’s a world many women are stuck in especially as we age. At 20 we want the proverbial knight in shinning armor coming to our rescue on a white horse. By 40 this knight might have turned into a dude with a running car and all his teeth. It’s real people!

If there was anything the show taught me is that no matter how you look or where you are love does not come easy or come in the package you thought it might. Further, bad things happen to good people in love and the key is not to take it personally. I liked this show not just because I could identify with the situations the characters were in but because the writers thought them up, perhaps based on reality. I wasn’t alone! This further came about in the related book ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ brought about from a Sex in the City episode and soon to be a movie itself. It was amazing to me how many others had been through similar or worse experiences in the dating arena. It was a comfort to me because most of my friends at the time were already in relationships and I had no one to really talk to about the “trials and tribulations” of dating life. Most of my attached friends looked at my dating life as a cautionary tale “beware the single life and hold your man tight or else this might happen to you kiddies, muhaha!”.

It was only recently in my life that I encountered friends who I could swap “war stories” with and it made me realize how important a good base of friends was to talk to. One who contributed in your life, shared and offered advice and differing opinions. See Sex in the City wasn’t just a show about finding love in the big city but it was a great story of friendship. Not many people have that kind of close bond. And although it was simply fiction that was the real heart of the series. I sometimes need a little Miranda to reality check my Charlotte. Because if love is a battlefield (as Pat Benatar would say- love love love that song) then we shouldn’t go it alone.

Rules of Attraction: Is there a science to the whole dating/liking/loving thing?

My gut reaction is a certifiable Whitney Huston “Hell to the no”. Back in the day my answer would have been yes. But things have changed. Meaning I’ve experienced, seen and heard too much. To put feelings into a certain controled science might be a sure fire way to end up driving yourself crazy, driving someone else crazy and ultimately missing out. But maybe I'm wrong?

May I mention I also used to drive friends mad when I tried to formulate steps to dating. I believed that there were stages and certain things should occur at every stage.
See I’m a planner and a deep thinker. I’m also hella indecisive. Sorry, I’m a Libra ya’ll (as Wyclef would say), can’t help it!

Anywho, the first guy I ever seriously dated was the subject of my over analytical thinking and I ended up breaking up with him only to realize that he was a pretty good guy. There was nothing really wrong with him. I just thought certain things were supposed to happen, certain feelings were supposed to manifest themselves at certain stages. I had to humble myself to ask for us to get back together. Glad I did because he still ranks as one of the best guys I’ve ever dated (and my longest relationship).

But did I learn from that mistake? Nope, I continued to analyze things I had no business analyzing to death. However, I made sure not to make moves too quickly the next time around. Yet, I still equated the “right guy for me” as the one who made my “heart skip a beat every time we meet”, who I fantasized about, who seemed to have all the same interest as me, who would appease my parents and friends, who made me want to call them every single day (note: I’m no phone addict), who "looked" like someone I'd date etc. Please don’t get me wrong. There is no doubt that some of this is good to have, some down right necessary but not all of it. But if it doesn't All happen does the math/science fall apart? Would you base your emotions on whether all those things happened (ie: "this happened and this happened therefore I must be in love") What if those things didn't all happen and you still liked that person (and the person was no derilect or abuser) would you dump them anway (ie. "although this happened and this happened, this did not occurr therefore, I must not be in love and what I'm feeling is simply acid reflux", I don't know).

The next question, dear readers, is do you believe that there is a time when things should happen? Should you instantly be feeling the “I really really like him/her” jitters after the first 1-3 dates? When should you feel totally at ease with someone? 2 months?
When should you consider becoming exclusive? 3 months?
When should you profess your love for them? 6 months?

I used to think so. But all it takes is one person. Someone you meet after one date and begin to think about what your wedding would look like. Or someone you’ve known for a year, maybe off and on ,who one day, as in an epiphany, you realize is “the one” and all those love bugs come attacking you at once. They break all the rules and laws and you question whether that means you should run or ride the crazy train out with them.
My parents married after six months of dating and they were together for 20 years.
I’ve known people who dated for years and then get married. There is no time, no schedule, it just is.

Perhaps love is more like magic than a science. It is unpredictable, drives you crazy and can overwhelm you.
It’s uncontrolled and perhaps that’s the most disturbing piece about it all to those analytical people like me. It is the one area of your life where you can’t make things happen. And even more, it is the one area of your life that can truly be inconsistent.
In math, 1 +1 will pretty much always equal 2. If you follow the logic of math you will always reach one answer.

But in love one method can generate several answers and several equations can have the same outcome (I guess in certain forms of math this is possible) and if you stick to only one “equation” you might be missing out on more, ultimately, fulfilling opportunities.

I’m all for taking opportunities. Sometimes they don’t pan out but boy have I learned some great lessons about myself and people in general. I am now fully able (at least I think so) to determine the difference between what I want and what I need (you know the whole 20-80% notion, see early post on that) and what the hell needs to stay 100 yards or more from me.
I know that the guy who shares my joy of Neo Soul music isn't necessarily the guy I'm meant to commit to.
And that it may not be true that the guy who I accompany to baseball games even though I'm no fan isn't the one for me simply because we like different things.
It’s like that.
It is what it is.

But who am I to say? Just thinking out loud. Thoughts?

Don’t Bring Up the Past but You’ll be Doomed to Repeat It.

Okay in relationships, some of my friends are anti discussing the past relationships of the guys/girls they are seeing. They don’t want to know about how Cynthia broke your heart or how Melanie nagged you to death or how James had too much baggage. I haven’t ventured further with them to discuss whether this is something they would like to get into later on in the relationship, if its off topic for good or just simply not a first few dates subject of choice.

Maybe I’m doing myself a disservice here but I like to know about a guy’s past relationships early on. Yes, we shouldn’t be judged by our past and while knowing that he let things fall through the cracks with his ex Tess may color how I perceive him now, I’m not so quick to jump ship, I like to give the guy a chance to show he’s different. It’s just nice to know what I may (or may not) be working with. Perhaps it keeps me on guard, for better or worse.
But does this get in to murky waters? Does knowing someone’s past early on doom them from the start?

Do you want to know if the guy (or girl) you are seeing recently broke up with someone he’d been seeing for years and why they ended? Would this effect how much potential you see in anything happening with them (who wants to be the rebound)?

Do you want to know why a person is single? Is that a reasonable question?
Women have it hard in the dating scene and it is becoming more and more common for a woman to be 35 and still single. Will she need to explain herself (“it’s hard out there for a successful woman, or I was engaged, or black women have it tougher” etc).
If the idea is that women have it rough, are we less tolerant of older mean (say, 35 and up) who are still single?
Is the assumption that the world is their oyster so if they are still single it is really because they have this bachelor for life mentality or some other negative relationship connotation?

Is it concerning if someone has a lot of past relationships or hardly any at all? What assumptions do you make from that? That a “serial monogamer” has commitment phobia? Or that the serial dater is not relationship material? Maybe it’s simply that they’ve made bad selections in the dating/relationship partner world. Haven’t won that lottery in love bit?
Will you think positive before negative?

I guess the idea is that we all want to give people the benefit of the doubt but we don’t want to play the fool either. Time is precious. But should we get into someone’s past relationships early on? Like a job or getting a loan where the employer/bank looks into your work history/credit history before they consider/approve you, should this be done in the dating arena? Is it really the same? We learn from our mistakes (even in the working world- No you will not tell your boss where he can shove it again, and nope that Jimmy Choo shopping spree was not worth your now current bad credit) but jobs and banks don’t automatically see that and you may lose out without a defined showing of improvement. Same goes for a relationships.

Yes, you’ve been single since the original cast of the Mickey Mouse show but that doesn’t mean you don’t know how to carry a successful relationship.
And yes, your last few relationships failed because you were too jealous or never took her anywhere but you’re changing now, right?

But on the flip side, if a guy or girl is willing to offer this information early on will you turn a deaf ear to it? I mean, it’s “free” insight? Just as long as you try to see the bigger picture, couldn’t it only be helpful? Knowledge is power, right?

Also, are you willing to share your past just as much (because who wants another to know that much about you so soon?) Is divulging information about past relationships like opening up your flaws to the person?
Something to think about…