Thursday, April 3, 2008

Rules of Attraction: Is there a science to the whole dating/liking/loving thing?

My gut reaction is a certifiable Whitney Huston “Hell to the no”. Back in the day my answer would have been yes. But things have changed. Meaning I’ve experienced, seen and heard too much. To put feelings into a certain controled science might be a sure fire way to end up driving yourself crazy, driving someone else crazy and ultimately missing out. But maybe I'm wrong?

May I mention I also used to drive friends mad when I tried to formulate steps to dating. I believed that there were stages and certain things should occur at every stage.
See I’m a planner and a deep thinker. I’m also hella indecisive. Sorry, I’m a Libra ya’ll (as Wyclef would say), can’t help it!

Anywho, the first guy I ever seriously dated was the subject of my over analytical thinking and I ended up breaking up with him only to realize that he was a pretty good guy. There was nothing really wrong with him. I just thought certain things were supposed to happen, certain feelings were supposed to manifest themselves at certain stages. I had to humble myself to ask for us to get back together. Glad I did because he still ranks as one of the best guys I’ve ever dated (and my longest relationship).

But did I learn from that mistake? Nope, I continued to analyze things I had no business analyzing to death. However, I made sure not to make moves too quickly the next time around. Yet, I still equated the “right guy for me” as the one who made my “heart skip a beat every time we meet”, who I fantasized about, who seemed to have all the same interest as me, who would appease my parents and friends, who made me want to call them every single day (note: I’m no phone addict), who "looked" like someone I'd date etc. Please don’t get me wrong. There is no doubt that some of this is good to have, some down right necessary but not all of it. But if it doesn't All happen does the math/science fall apart? Would you base your emotions on whether all those things happened (ie: "this happened and this happened therefore I must be in love") What if those things didn't all happen and you still liked that person (and the person was no derilect or abuser) would you dump them anway (ie. "although this happened and this happened, this did not occurr therefore, I must not be in love and what I'm feeling is simply acid reflux", I don't know).

The next question, dear readers, is do you believe that there is a time when things should happen? Should you instantly be feeling the “I really really like him/her” jitters after the first 1-3 dates? When should you feel totally at ease with someone? 2 months?
When should you consider becoming exclusive? 3 months?
When should you profess your love for them? 6 months?

I used to think so. But all it takes is one person. Someone you meet after one date and begin to think about what your wedding would look like. Or someone you’ve known for a year, maybe off and on ,who one day, as in an epiphany, you realize is “the one” and all those love bugs come attacking you at once. They break all the rules and laws and you question whether that means you should run or ride the crazy train out with them.
My parents married after six months of dating and they were together for 20 years.
I’ve known people who dated for years and then get married. There is no time, no schedule, it just is.

Perhaps love is more like magic than a science. It is unpredictable, drives you crazy and can overwhelm you.
It’s uncontrolled and perhaps that’s the most disturbing piece about it all to those analytical people like me. It is the one area of your life where you can’t make things happen. And even more, it is the one area of your life that can truly be inconsistent.
In math, 1 +1 will pretty much always equal 2. If you follow the logic of math you will always reach one answer.

But in love one method can generate several answers and several equations can have the same outcome (I guess in certain forms of math this is possible) and if you stick to only one “equation” you might be missing out on more, ultimately, fulfilling opportunities.

I’m all for taking opportunities. Sometimes they don’t pan out but boy have I learned some great lessons about myself and people in general. I am now fully able (at least I think so) to determine the difference between what I want and what I need (you know the whole 20-80% notion, see early post on that) and what the hell needs to stay 100 yards or more from me.
I know that the guy who shares my joy of Neo Soul music isn't necessarily the guy I'm meant to commit to.
And that it may not be true that the guy who I accompany to baseball games even though I'm no fan isn't the one for me simply because we like different things.
It’s like that.
It is what it is.

But who am I to say? Just thinking out loud. Thoughts?

2 comments:

Lady Dulayne said...

I am beginning to think love is more like magic than science cause it can vary so much from person to person. I used to also think there should be a certain way love should happen and to an extent, I still do but I"m learning now it can come at in various different ways and times for people.

I so still think certain things should happen at certain times. For instance, I feel that exclusivity should be brought up within 6 months of dating, that feeling should be developing also within that first 3-9 months and that things should be moving forward and be pretty blissful that first year. But that's my individual thing and others may have different ideas there.

After speaking with people who have been in long-term relationships and marriage, I also learned that love wont always bring butterflies, won't always be passionate and there will be times when you'll fantasize about others, won't be so turned on and plain ol' get on each others nerves. That its normal and no one is expected to be madly, butt-crazy in love every second with their SO. That is fantasy love, not realistic love.

I definitely do think, however that sometimes you can tell early on if there is the potential for love or not and should probably act accordingly. I know for me, that feelings can grow for a person I'm not immediately turned on by (ended up in an 8 year relationship that way) so I give things time when the essentials I'm looking for are there. But I can tell when its not going to happen and cut it off soon when I know. I think some people do need to warm up and grow on you so its good to give it a good go, so there won't be any wondering or regret. I hate that.

It's also hard not to overanalyze when you find yourself single for long periods and not having much luck so I completely get there and was there for a LONG time. You want to try and discover the secret or scientific formula for attraction and compatibility. But I think that will be very individual and can change in time.

The only thing I can throw out that has helped me was to shorten my must-have dating list and stick to the basic essentials which are how he treats me, make me feel, his potential to fall for me, cherish me and make me happy. If those things are in place, then I know I can allow down my walls and begin to show him and give him what he needs and wants also. I had to give up on lots of superficial things and focus on what was really important to me.

Sometimes you can find a diamond in the rough.

Clever Elsie said...

Damn, my comment just disappeared! Oh, well, I was rambling anyway...

To sum up, I think physical attraction could possibly be reduced to a science (i.e. facial configuration plus pheromones or some other crap like that), but there are too many variables in love to demystify it.

As for what someone should look for, I think that depends on the kind of long-term relationship you want. If your goal is to find someone stable and supportive, who espouses traditional values, then you have to prioritize those traits over things like chemistry, commonality, or physical attraction. On the other hand, if you can't be happy in a relationship without intense chemistry and value that more highly than, say, good parenting skills, financial prospects, and family background, then you might have to be willing to sacrifice some of those other things so you can have that instantaneous connection that makes a relationship tick for you.

But,eh, whatever. I'm babbling! Pay no attention. :)