The Dating Game: Perfection vs. Flaws

It's been a while since I did a post on dating but I had some random thoughts. I've written about the whole chemistry vs. practicality bit and have come to a realization through all my dating trials and tribulations that I prefer good conversation and not necessarily any overwhelming chemistry on the first couple or few dates. Chemistry is important but sometimes it can be deceptive and throw you off track. I'm not saying if you don't feel the slightest bit of attraction to someone wait it out. If the person visually doses nothing for you, you aren't going to want to continue dating them, it'll seem more like work than fun. And chemistry exisit for a reason.

Call me jaded, but I just don't like the idea of getting swept up in chemistry. The idea, for me, is to really get a chance to see the person and gain a solid connection. Stay clear headed enough to not fall for the "hype" and, instead, see the real. Again, this is ideal but not always the case.

I have had several coworkers and friends warn me about men that are full of the "hype" aka do every thing perfectly. They say if you meet a guy who you have little complaints about and who knows how to romance you above and beyond the norm then something is wrong. Now initially it would seem like such a pessimistic view to assume that if everything is right something, therefore, must be wrong. But they had a certain logic to their views (and these are all women who are older and married who said this). The thought is that a "perfect man" is actually a player. He knows women, knows their wants and knows how to give it to them. They study women. They gave me several real life examples. The worst being a woman who bragged about how wonderful her husband was, how they never argued and how he always did great things for her. She later found out he had a whole seperate family somewhere else. Another example, was the woman who had a boyfriend of three years who did and said all the right things, said he wanted to marry her, took her house hunting. She found out he had a woman in several states.

The point they were making is that a "good/faithful" man is one who comes with a few flaws. He may not know all the ways to make a woman happy and that you'll have to school him- ever so lovingly of course. They weren't stating that you change him. He'll be who he'll be. Rather the change will be in how he treats you. For instance, one coworker stated that she mentioned to her husband that she loves flowers. Speaking in generalities, the player would know this instantly and show up with flowers on a date. The average good guy might need that message gently repeated several times before he follows through. It took him a very long time but her husband eventually got it.

I said to her, this seems like work. She replied, yes it is but the outcome is worth it. It's a practice in tolerance and patience.

Her advise echoed a bit of the adivse from the author of the book Why Men Cheat, Gary Neuman who also appeared on Oprah. Neuman stated that men, in general, like to feel appriciated and want to feel useful and be praised. When they don't get that, they sometimes cheat. Some women felt that this seemed like a lot of work. To praise a man for taking out the trash? Women don't expect such praise. The Neuman admitted that it wasn't fair but he, like my coworker, simply acknowleged that although men may be physically stronger than women in many ways they can be emotionally more sensitive. I'll preserve my opinions on that but I will say the logic seems sound.

Therefore, per my coworkers logic, if you let a guy know how what he does can help you for the better, rather than nagging or not saying anything, he will be more inclined to do it. He will feel like he is appriciated and helpful and you get what you want. It's a simple give and take really. Not so simple is that you have to constantly work at it. My coworker, inisist that you cannot expect a man to be something or do something, watch out for those she says. If you want to be romanced, tell him what you like. If you don't carry the expectations you won't be let down and you won't pass over a good guy who doesn't mind learning about what you like.

Sound advice but it's so hard for women to hear when we've been raised on fairy tales where men just know what to do.