Interracial Dating and Black women and White men: Drama or No Big Thing?

Posted about this before but have more to say.

It's 2009 and we are seeing more and more interracial couples. Heck, a good number of my family and friends are in interracial couplings (black female/white male mix). I've never cared about such things (I fancy myself and Equal Opportunity Dater). Although there are way more black men/ white women couplings, I am beginning to have a sneaking suspicion that this will change. I am seeing more and more black women with white men.

Why? As I stated in my previous post, I do believe that money and education differences between black women and men play a large factor. However, despite the stereotypes, I find many educated black women are willing to date black men not on their pay or education scale. I have most of my life, with no problems as long as there wasn't a drastic difference. However, even that willingness doesn't help the fact that there are still so few eligible black men who also want to get married.

So then what?A lot of black women are starting to explore "something new". And for most it seems to be working. But what about society's view? My thought would be that black men would not care if more black women started dating white men because so many black men date white women? All's fair right?

Not so, I still am surprised by the amount of disapproving looks, comments and behaviors I get from black men for dating a white guy (I haven't noticed anything, yet, from other groups). I can't lump people all together. I know that those disapprovers aren't necessarily dating white women themselves but still, they know the deal. For every black woman/white male couple there are at least 5 black man/white woman couples.

And with the percentage of unwed black women being around 40% (dramatically higher than all other racial groups) can you blame a woman for saying, "the hell with this, let me see what else is out there"?. Black women, largely raise kids out of wedlock, in fact, I venture to say it's the norm (I believe well over 60% of black children are raised in single parent homes, not the same for other races). No one aspires to be a single mother and just because black women have dealt with it and found the strength to do so, doesn't mean that should be our lot in life.

We've come to accept seeing black men with white women but is this so for the other way around. Is the black woman/ white man still a rare line that few are willing to cross? There is history there after all. Black women being seen and used as sexual objects during slavery, it is still a present wonder. I have a friend who when she dates a white guy always wonders in the beginning if he is dating her for her or for the "experience of dating a black woman". Then there is the shared historic experience of being black (culturally, and socially) that a white man wouldn't know automatically (a small inconvenience that he wouldn't understand why I wrap my hair at night with a silk scarf but still something to note). And then family. I just watched This Christmas in which one of the sons secretly married a white woman and was afraid to tell his family. Sometimes I wonder if nowadays black people have an ever harder time bringing a white person home to their families than white people. Especially black men who know mama might be, let's say, taken a back. And I'm sure that isn't who Dad had thought he'd be walking you down the aile to when you got married.

I don't know, as much as I would like to, I'm not ready to believe that interracial dating is a union to go lightly into. I always bring up race and have frank discussions about it when I'm dating a man outside of my race. I'm a firm believer in the couple discussing race with no hold backs instead of ignoring it. Being color blind makes us blind to the real issues. I want the other to know our differences and decide on whether we can accept them even if others can't.

2008: The Randomness in Review

Sorry I've been quiet for a bit- had a serious case of blogger's block but couldn't close out the year without running my mouth.
I just wanted to throw out some thoughts of pure randomness that I came to realize or just thought about from this past year.

As I hold tight to the last of my twenties, I realize that aging is scary but also quite fasinating. What will each new stage bring and not in a negative way? How will my views and position in this world change? Will I finally be the person I wanted to be? And what will it be like to see Beyonce at a come back tour at the age of 60 (you know like when older folks go see Bette Mitler or Tina Turner in concert). Is it mean that I can't wait for her to age and become the old diva she's trying to be?

That going green is so important and so expensive! I'm a recycler to the max (okay, I have a cabinet full of plastic bags and paper I need to turn in to the recycling center but the aim is to recycle all the same). I'd love to do more, buy green products and clothing but, it's a recession and green cleaning products are more expensive than the regular ones! We should get discounts for going green, special tax incentives or something!

That new years resolutions suck but everyone likes to feel renewed. And on that note I plan to give up pork and do some form of fulfilling volunteer work on a regular basis.

That truly: The opposite of love is not hate but rather indifference. I heard this somewhere but didn't truly get it until recently. How many people have I passionately disliked but still really cared about or missed or allowed myself to be hurt by? Then I think about the people I also didn't like but just had no feeling for them at all. I mean I didn't care what went on in their lives. Sadly, I think most of the world is very indifferent to one another (how else could we turn our backs to such suffering).

That marriage can be just as scary as Lifetime TV makes it sound. I mean, a man goes to his ex wife's Christmas party and shoots a freakin flame thrower at people, including a child, because, or so it appears, his divorce was finalized. And let's not forget the man who drowned his children while in a custody battle with his ex wife. And it goes on. I'm not saying you have to go into marriage with a ring on one hand and a gun in the other but lately it seems as if people aren't afraid to cross those lines (or rather TV is enabling us to hear more about it).

Which leads me to wonder about people. Like Linus from the Peanut Gallery, I believed that people in general were basicall good and it was just certain persons that were bad. But that bad really spoils us all because for every good act we hear about it get's overshadowed by some other horrific act that remains with us while the good acts do not. And with our world in recession, history shows that crime rises but still I hope for change in the new year.

And what better start than with an African American (well in part) president! He is not the second coming, please do not hold all faith in a man and idolize him but what a powerful symbol for change/hope. My hope is that the new year allows us to look at possibilities differently. For all its faults, we are in a country that allows us to be, think and achieve our dreams if only we try.

Noisy Neighbor Nuisance!

My neighbor is testing my small amount of patience. She has a different person living in her house everytime I look. And by person, I mean dude. Now I don’t judge but the best way to keep your life to yourself is to be quiet about it and that chick doesn’t. I’m already tramatized enough when I awoke to her having "relations" one night (and I heard it all, had I had a gun that night it would have been an ugly scene).

Then her and random dude wanna try again last night. These walls are paper thin, they have to know that, so how disrespectful of them. I’ve already gone up to complain before so they (I say they because every time I’ve knocked on her door a different guy answers instead of her, it got to the point I doubted she even lived there anymore and that maybe some guys took over the one bedroom) know they need to be a little more thoughtful with the noise control but I wasn’t in any mood to leave my aparment in the middle of the night to complain again and doubt they would be please with me “interrupting them”. So in my best passive aggressive way I politely began to hammer my walls like a crack head in the middle of the night.

Low and behold that got their attention but I dared them to come to my apartment with a complaint. I had my speech all ready in my head. It would begin with me not realizing they could hear me hammering my christmas decorations to the wall above the noise they were making. I would be nice and tell them that perhaps we both need to be more considerate of each other to avoid this problem again.

I’m at the point where my sleep is getting deprived and I’m waking up with bags under my eyes. No longer is sleeping in my comfortable queen sized bed a wonderful expereince. Instead I dread going to sleep for fear of being awaken (as usually occurs for the past two months) to her getting it on, her dog running around, her and random dude yelling at each other or watching TV or playing music loudly.

My patience is wearing thin. The noise usually occurs in the middle of the night so I hate to leave my apartment then. I usually seek revenge by being as loud as possible in the morning (but not sure if sound travels up as she lives above me). I’ve been quiet lately as I have devised a plan. I will complain once more to her during day light hours of noise the previous night. Should this not resolve I will complaint to my landlord who is buddy buddy with her so doubt it will do much good. Finally I will bring in the cops! Lastly, I will tell said landlord that I have found employment in another state and get out of my lease (which he said he would not penalize me for if such occurred) and move.

Grrr

I'm Not Afraid of Lions and Tigers and Bears

Loving the new Jazmine Sullivan single and it kind of broke me out of my bloggers block to write this post.

So I’ve been on a couple of dates with this guy and things are going well. Very well and naturally this draws my suspicion. See being the dating connoisseur that I am (*she says with thick sarcasm laced in her voice*) I believe that it is important to learn from ones past mistakes or else be doomed to repeat them. However, while it is important not to walk into anything full of naivete you also don’t want to have your guard up so high it scares the other person off.

So take this example. A guy brings you flowers just because. You’re still newly dating. There is no holiday or birthday. A naive girl, who does not take note of past experience or other’s warnings, may think “Oh this guy is great. I never got flowers from a guy for no reason before. He must really like me and only mean well. Perhaps he’s the one!.” A pessimistic fully guarded girl might think. “What’s his angle? Does he think he can buy me some flowers and I’m supposed to fall over him into bed?” . Somewhere in the middle might be, “Oh, how nice, that was thoughtful of him. The end.”

I, the ever indecisive and admittedly slightly gullible at times Libra, have a hard time balancing this. I’ve been through so many negative dating experiences that I seem jaded. Obviously that is not a good thing and I am constantly on guard about it. I try my best, on the outside to go with the flow. Yet with friends and in my inner thoughts, I combat the pessimism. Therefore, when I go out on dates and things go well, I can’t help but be guarded and wait for the ball to drop.

Friends say enjoy it while it last but dating is like being on American Idol with me. You’re doing well, make it through a couple weeks and then you get voted off and all the fame/commercials/make up and hair go away as quickly as it came. Dating can be the same way. You meet someone, things are great and then something happens or they meet someone else and everything goes away. Any plans you thought you would have disappear. And like the American Idol contestants, they know that their shot could go in a blink of an eye without any reason and they are kicked back into obscurity. This of course slightly darkens their time on the show because there is always that constant nudge of worry that this week could be the last week.

I’ve come to view dating this way. Especially when things are going well. I know that this is not a great way to think because it will come out in the dating “relationship” in some negative way. For instance, you invite said interest somewhere and they say they can’t go. The “American Idol” thinker might think “oh he has another date with someone else/is really married/doesn’t really like me or want to keep seeing me, therefore I need to pull away and protect myself.”

Friends say “throw your baggage out the window, girl.” But I can’t help but say, “Can I at least keep my purse?”

Sigh.

Look a Likes

I’ve been told most of my life that I look like someone. When I was little (and still) I looked like my mother.

When I was in college everyone thought I looked like Alexis Fields from Sister, Sister.

In my early twenties I looked like Sanaa Latham.

Most recently I’ve been getting a lot of “has anyone ever told you you look like Gabrielle Union?” (and I get that from all races and both genders). Now I don’t feel I look like her at all (not the same color and if I don’t wear my hair straight the similarities just don’t show). I don’t get it but I think she’s pretty so there is worse I could be compared to.

Seeing as none of these women look a like themselves I’m not quite sure what everyone is talking about or maybe I’m just a chameleon.

Anyway, I just always thought it was interesting. To a degree, everyone has someone or even a few people they look like that they aren’t related to. Heck my dad was said to look like Bill Cosby and my sister Keisha Knight Pullman (aka Rudy), I felt left out then. I wanted to be a Huxtable!

This look alike bit led me to wonder if we tend to date with that in mind. Have you ever found yourself dating a certain type visually? I got stuck on that in my younger days. The guys would be in my skin complexion category and clean shaven for the most. Then I started going for the earthy curly haired types. (Incidentally, Lenny Kravitz (post locks) and Maxwell were my celebrity crushes, kind of similar, right?) I got out of that by my early twenties. I tend to not like to date guys who look like guys I dated before. It seems like I’m regressing. It’s a superficial thing but it’s what’s comfortable.

I once went out with a guy I thought looked too much like my brother. I did not care for that and stopped seeing him. His feelings were hurt but I’m sorry I just could not. Nope.

Commerical Songs

No I'm not talking about Top 40 songs but actual songs used in commericials.
I just finished watching the new Adidas Originals Commericaial and am so feelin the song. The group is called Pilooski and the song is an old 60's song (Four Seasons group)that they add a breakin beat to. I tried to find it on itunes, found the group but not this song. Grrr The whole video for the song is on youtube but I attached the commericial version to put it in context.




So that search led me to list a few other commericial songs I adore.

Yael Namin- New Soul



Ting Tings- Shut Up and Let Me Go



Cait Ladee- Take Me Home http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34f8CHTqbnA



Enur- Calabria 2008



Got any favorites?

I hate everyone

No, I'm not pmsing. Sometimes I just get that way, when everything bugs me and I've got no escape from the annoying. I close one door on an annoying person just to turn around and have another one starring right at me.

This is the time of the year to be thankful but no working at a soup kitchen or listening to sad all I want for Christmas stories on the radio can change how I feel right now. I'm just in an extended funk and I'm beginning to wonder if I ever truly came out of it. For example was I simply just in remission from anger at some point?

I know that I need a vacation away from people when even the most non important things get on my nerves, when the usual bothers make me want to pick up a trash can and scream "Radio" (for all those who've seen Do the Right Thing, you know what I mean) and the really bothersome things make me want to tase and/or mace people. I've asked for mace for Christmas but I wonder if in my hands it will be used for good instead of evil.

Okay, so let me categorize the things that get on nerves.

Stupid but bothersome

The plot line on Heroes and Grey's Anatomy upsets me in ways I can't understand.

I just watched really good episodes of Smallville and Supernatural on the CW network and they won't have new episodes until mid January- they get the finger! Bammas!

My expensive Verizon "high speed" Internet isn't fast at ALL!

My landlord is about to catch a foot. When something breaks down don't tell me how to fix it, you come and fix it! If I have to break apart something to get it to work, it's out of my league. Do your job or give me my deposit back!

One of my coworkers keeps wanting to have conversations with me everyday and is bothersome to many. I don't really like her (nor do I trust her, why does she go through my cubicle sometimes when I'm not there, we don't work on any of the same projects and she isn't my back up) but I can't say that and it really is mean to think that way but...

Trash can moments

My job, my team lead got an agency award that should have been a team award because she is not a leader or a good source of guidance. I had to basically train myself and she goes to ME for answers! Meanwhile, I got no award, no real time off and haven't gone to any out of state trainings or get to rotate which my white counterpart got to do and she wasn't as good a worker as I was (yeah, I'm tooting my own horn). Don't let me file an EEO claim!

Thanksgiving dinner with family and their friends- don't wanna go. Some will surely annoy me and with me being in the titled mood, I'm going to have to hold tight to patience.

Another guy I'm seeing, seemed a bit disappointed that I was taking things slow (not the same as the taser guy below). Since when did third date automatically lead to sex? We don't even know each other's last names! No wonder MD has a high rate of STDs! AIDS is the number one killer of black women in my age group- kick rocks. Let's take our time, to quote Ms. Janet!

Upstairs neighbor was blasting hard rock and sounded like they were river dancing at 1130pm on a Sunday night. I stormed up there to politely complain. I expected it to be a woman who I thought lived above me but instead was scared half to death when what appeared to be a Marilyn Manson fan answered the door. He was polite enough but my tone was really pleasant as well. Note to self- don't knock on doors if you don't know who the hell lives there!

Tasing moments

A guy thought it was okay to try to grope me on the end of our date. I let him know I was not down with it and preferred to take things slow (see rationale above) which he didn't seem to respect too much (gave a half assed "I understand") but I said goodbye and left. (A week later he asked me out again...via text. My response- . ) Had I had a taser or some pepper spray the night would have gone differently (provided I had a gas mask so I didn't inhale the spray and was far enough from him to tase him without him grabbing me).

The immature dochebag who tried to grope me at the bar last weekend when I was two stepping with my friends and got on my nerves so bad I had to leave the dance floor or else stab him with my keys. What's with the disrespect? He proceeded to bother me again later on that night and I called him out on it. He walked away this time.

The ass who decided to park behind my building the other night and proceeded to loudly curse out someone on the phone for thirty minutes around 12am on a Wednesday night! If only I had a blow dart!

Okay enough complaining, I feel a little better already but things can surely change if that coworker I mentioned above keeps walking past my cubicle...

*Side note, is it sad that the title of this post comes from a children's book about an angry bee?