Monday, November 5, 2007

80/20 Rule

Thanks to Tyler Perry, many of us are now familiar with this bit of sound logic. But in case you didn't see the movie or are familiar with Bishop T.D. Jakes speech on this here's a quick explanation: In love you are never going to find the 100% of what you're looking for in a mate, mostly about 80%. Of course you'll see that left over 20% in others and that may sway your attention because that's the missing portion you've been looking for. However if you leave your 80% for that other you'll only be getting 20% and now in need of 80%! Most people don't think in those terms but it makes so much sense. But of course things are never so black and white. Not many people are just 20%. Qualities will overlap and both could be 80% but some have different traits that you were looking but never all. The key is to be able to figure out what kind of "80 percenter" you are looking for. And will some traits be worth more than others? Putting it all into mathematical terms makes my head hurt and I find it makes finding "the one" a little more analytical. We make mistakes but if focused on this 80-20 rule in love it might help us to make wiser decisions. We just have to slow down and think before we leap. This is something I had to really think about after having a good conversation with some friends. Are there certain qualities that I hold so high which are really 20% qualties and, therefore, ones I can live without? My hope is that if I find an 80%, then the 20% not achieved would be something that wouldn't be a deal breaker because I get so much more. I just need to narrow down what I consider 20%.
I'm also in favor of another rule that I'd like to think I coined called the debt vs. investment scenario in dating. I believe that "the one" is someone that will only make you a better person and help you to a better life (investment). The "not the one" is someone who makes you worse off than you were without him be it financially, emotionally or physically (debt). For example, a guy that makes you smile and adds a brightness to your day- investment and he should be someone you should keep to pursue a deeper relationship. A guy who is negative, perhaps says mean things to you and affects the way you feel about yourself has only made you worse off and therefore put you in debt emotionally. I try to employ this logic and it has kept me from making some big mistakes and I bet it could work in well with this 80/20 rule. Oh, well, just my thoughts.


Anonymous said...

The "grass is greener" syndrome. I used to spend so much time dwelling on the 20% that my husband wasn't instead of focusing on the 80% that he is.

I think people spend too much time looking for perfection in a mate. How can you expect to find perfection in someone else when you yourself are not perfect?

People need to find a mate that complements, not completes, them. They need to stop over looking the red flags. They need to also think about what they plan to bring to the table.

michele said...

how about when your 80 starts acting like a damn 20, making the 20's seem 80 - then what!?! :)

Candi said...

No one is perfect but yet most of us expect perfection. We spend so much time focusing on what he/she doesn't have we forget all the things they do have.

I totally agree with you "anonymous" people are looking for someone to complete them and to make them happy. They fail to realize that that happens from within.

The key is to find someone who is not only good to you but good for you.

CW said...

Eh, 80/20. That's one way to think about it. Basically that's like saying "he/she has/does this/that x 8, BUT this/that x 2". This places too much emphasis on little faults when they really should not be a problem in the right person. We all know how those little faults can be made to look like big ones.

Maybe instead of trying to find out if someone has 80% of what we want, we should instead think about if you are willing to share 100% of who we are with that person...or 99% ;-)