So, still seeing guy I briefly mentioned a couple post back. I only see him about once a week (one time twice) because he lives an hour away. Although he’s in another state, not sure an hour travel really qualifies as a long distance relationship which I tend to not like, but I’ve been told if they are in another state then that makes it long distance.
Anywho, because of the time constraint, I only see him on weekends. I realize that weekends are prime times to hang with friends so I imagine this might cut into his guy time. He said he told his friends the deal so he’s cool. Plus my thought is, he has the other weekend night to hang with them (as do I with my friends). Further, one weekend together out of a month won’t kill anyone either. We both discussed in our earlier dates the importance of time apart. I’m a firm believer in that. I enjoy hanging with my girls and family and I see the importance in having separate activities.
However, I don’t think that’s true of many women. At least not too many I know. See, for most of my friends (not all) when they “get a man” they become ghost. Naturally, when one enters a relationship or consistent dating scenario with someone their friends see less of them. That's fine and understandable. However, I find for women, we just about lose a friend altogether. As the usual single one, I’ve seen friends come and go and have had to make all new friends because of that. The closer the friend gets to the man the less I see them until the day they get married when they become a distant memory. I understand seeing them less but not at all, not so much as a phone chit chat? As if by saying “I do” they also mean “I do vow to never see my single friends again”. As if they no longer have anything in common with us. What could they possibly do with single people? They don’t go to the clubs anymore. But therein lies the problem. I’m pushing 30 (scary! But still have almost a year left to get a grip), I rarely go to clubs anymore. But dragging my attached friends to shopping, movies, travel, happy hours or dinners is becoming a feat in itself. And it shouldn't be!
I mean, who do attached women talk to about girl issues or love problems? Other attached women or no one? Maybe force the conversation onto their significant other? Do they believe that they can no longer relate to or communicate with their single friends?
For some of my attached friends I find they come out of hiding once in a blue moon and announce that we need to get together and go out. It may be my psychosis, but sometimes it feels as if they are saying it more as if they are doing me a favor rather than simply wanting to reconnect. I also find that it is hard to talk about my life to my attached friends unless it’s about a boy, and even then the interest is not that great as compared to when I talk to my single friends.
Is the life of a single person less interesting?
For me, it got to the point where I just enabled the distance by no longer inviting my attached friends places and not talking about my personal life unless they asked. I never understood this. When I am dating someone I never stopped hanging with my friends. Obviously I went out less but not so little I was missed. Plus I enjoy talking to my friends. My only other thought is that as you get attached, you start weeding out “non essential friends”. So perhaps my alleged friends are keeping contact with other people, just not the ones who weren’t as close because they don’t have time to keep in contact with everyone anymore. But then how many friends am I non essential to? Perhaps I just didn’t have enough good friends. I can count on one hand with a couple of fingers left over of how many friends in relationships now I still see. Perhaps those are my only good friends.
I wonder though, does this happen to guys? Do attached guys give up their single friends? Do they wait until marriage to do so? Or do they never?
I always wanted a Sex in the City/Golden Girls tight knit group of gal pals but I’m starting to realize that maybe that kind of female camaraderie just doesn’t exist in the real world. Maybe romance novels aren’t the only thing of make believe.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
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11 comments:
You have no idea how much I relate to this post. I am so in need of new friends with similar interests it's unreal. My attached friends, as you say, become ghost, and its frustrating so my pool of friends have dwindled.
When I am in a relationship I always make time for my friends but not everyone feels that way.
Like you, I have always longed for that Sex and the City type of girlfriend bond but I don't think it exists in the real world.
I've always noticed this and try my best not to fall into that (now that I'm attached) and I sincerely hope I don't.
I can't really pinpoint why this happens but a friend of mine and I came up with this theory some years ago. It was related to an article that came out which described falling in love with being addicted to a drug, since the brain sdoes release some chemicals that make you feel 'hooked' to that person.
But anyway, we rationed that the reason why some peopel do this is because while they got soem of their needs met with a friend, mainly social, when you get into a very close relationship with someone and that SO becomes like a best friend, more of you needs are then met within that relationship, including social but also romantic love, companionship, a confidante, etc. So its like more of their needs are now being met by this relationship and so they feel less of a need for outside friends. They get wrapped up in it and uyes I have been there before.
But its a deadly trap as it can lead to the death of many a relationship. But I feel a true friendship would go through that.
As a guy, I can say that I havent lost touch with my attached or married friends. However, they ARE less available than before due to the obvious. Just par for the course I guess.
A couple of thoughts, so brace yourself for a long ass comment. :)
First, just b/c someone doesn't have as much time for you doesn't mean that they are no longer your good friend and wouldn't be there for you in a time of need. To me a good friend isn't measured by how much time we spend together kicking it, its how well they know me and what I would be willing to do for them in a time of need and vice versa. I have best friends who I haven't seen in over a year mainly due to distance, but that doesn't mean that I love them any less than the best friend I see daily and currently share an office with.
Second, while I think its fine if you want that SATC friendship, not all women do and they shouldn't be faulted or considered bad friends because they don't want to spend every waking minute with each other like the girls on SATC. Frankly, I always found the idea that its okay to be joint at the hip with your friends, but not with your man to be a tad silly. Extreme Co-dependency is unappealing/unhealthy to me regardless of the context which is why I've always been a fan of enjoying your own company in addition to the company of your friends, family, and significant other.
Third, while I agree with you that it sucks that you can't spend as much time with your friends its an inevitable part of life. People get married, have kids, etc and kicking it with friends like they did back when you were childless and single can't be the no. 1priority. Again, that doesn't necesarily mean that they love you any less it just means that peeps have other responsibilities. I think guys don't take their friends being ghost as personally as women do which is why there is a lot less hurt feelings and drama associated with men dating than with women.
Fourth, as far as who do attached women talk to? In my case the same women I talked to when I was single. Again I've never been a subscriber to the idea of one person being your everything so while I do spend a lot of time talking to my bf, I also spend a ridiculous amount of time talking to my single as well as attached friends.
Anyway, all this to say that I'm happy that things are working out for you and this guy. I also encourage you not to be so concerned with becoming one of the girls who "becomes ghost" once they get a man. Particularly if doing so hinders your relationship with this new dude. Do whatever makes you happy and know that your true friends will have your back regardless of whether you or they are single.
Music Snob- I think we are going to have to agree to disagree here. You made a few statements that went farther than what my post states. I feel if you haven't talked to someone in a year, regardless if you've seen them, it's hard to be close friends. And no one is saying you should be joined at the hip with your friends. We all have seperate lives. But it isn't odd to be able to talk to a friend at least once a month. When I said friends went ghost, I mean I don't hear or see them any more - period. There's no codependency here and I enjoy my alone time- you're talking in extremes which I never did. And I don't want to be someone who ditches my friends totally because of a man- that to me is not being a good friend and I happen to value my friendships. To each their own.
First, I would just like to clarify that my intention in my prior post was not to imply that you are co-dependent. So my apologies if that's how you interpreted my comments. However, when I think of the ladies on SATC or the Golden Girls "joined at the hip" definitely comes to mind and for someone who likes/needs a fare amount of alone time, spending that much time with any of my friends would personally drive me crazy. However, I don't think this makes me a bad friend.
Second, no I don't think its unreasonable to want to speak to your friends regularly. In fact I talk to most of my good friends at least once a day even if I go months without seeing them. So for me even if I haven't seen someone in a year doesn't mean that they are no longer a good friend. It just means that shit happens and people may not see each other even though they would like to.
Third, when I encouraged you to not be so concerned with being the "ghost" girl my intention was not to tell you to ditch your friends or imply that I didn't value my own. My intention was to encourage you to not let the fear of being labeled the "ghost" girl hinder you from getting close to this new dude. Maybe this "fear" doesn't apply to you, but I think it does for many women especially women who don't want to look hypocritical in a current relationship b/c they called another friend out for being "ghost" in the past. The idea that I have to intentionally put space between myself and my sig other as to not look a certain way to other people just seems silly to me. I for one put a (serious) relationship on the same level as a good friendship, so if I wouldn't intentionally put distance between me and a good friend then why would I put distance between myself and my sig other?
Anyway, this is just my two cents. Like you said we can agree to disagree. However I figured I'd share a dissenting opinion as well as a few things I've learned over the years. Similar to you I have spent most of my life as a single person and have seen many of my friendships change over the years. Learning to not take time apart from friends so personally has definitely helped to minimize drama and appreciate what time I do spend with them, rather than feel like I am dragging them out or like they are doing me a favor.
Music Snob- Fair enough, thanks for the clarification.
Wow!!! The blog comments became a whole new blog entry! Here's another.
This discussion reminded of a friend's thoughts on this matter. She is 20 years my senior, so she was old school. She stopped hanging around her single friends because she wanted to start fresh with her husband. She felt as though they should meet new couple friends together.
I thought this to be a bit insane. I wouldn't mind being friends with other couples, however, I wouldn't want that to be my only outlet. I want friends that I may have something in common with, other than the fact that we are both married. Besides, that would never seem like time away from my husband, and believe me, we definitely need time away from one another occasionally.
I personally do not have many close single friends. In my case, I'm pretty sure that it is more about me than the fact that I am married. Takes me awhile to warm up to people. But once I make those friendships, I try to take time to keep the friendships, and this year forward, I plan to make much more of an effort. In this day and age, there is no excuse to not keep in contact with someone. It is almost ridiculous with technology.
SATC friendships, do they exist? Hmmmm. I have seen it in real life. The ones I've seen were with women who had been friends since high school and/or grade school. I guess for the rest of us, it's a numbers game. And I hate to look at it like that. Make as many friends as possible and see who sticks around for the long haul. Not the most pleasant way to look at friendship.
as a guy, i bwill say no it doesnt = well maybe for the clingy type and have a great 2009 folk
I think it is only natural, you only have so much time to devide.
All my homeboys that got married or serious with some one pretty much disappeared.
No hanging out when ever, no roaming the streets.
And no talking about their relationship unless some BS happens.
I think that is an unwritten rule you dont talk about your other to single friends.
Oh, man, I have been there over and over and over again! And I've heard complaints about this from everyone I know--female AND male--at one time or another, so I know we're not alone in this. It's interesting, though, that everyone complains about it when single, but as soon as they're attached, they never breathe a word about it again. Heh heh.
Anyway, I think The Girl From Park Heights is spot on, at least regarding the beginning of the relationship. When you fall in love, you get that ecstatic, high feeling, and it's hard to pull yourself away from it. Also, as Music Snob said, it's true that coupled friends have to juggle more time commitments, and I think that's particularly hard for women because I've noticed that men tend to be more demanding of a woman's time than vice versa.
But then I've also observed that couples seem to feel more comfortable with other couples. I think there's a sense that they're in the same phase of life and therefore understand each other better. I'm not sure how true that is, but I do know that sometimes I feel a little weird when everyone in the room but me is talking about mortgages and preschools. I think the answer is to have a balance, to allow married friends to have other married friends but also expect them to stay in touch with us single girls. It's not as though marriage transforms our friends into different people so that we have nothing to offer them anymore! Those who completely disappear aren't being good friends and aren't worth the effort.
(Btw, I've also heard of single girls dropping a friend after she gets married, so it can work both ways.)
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